My Personal Hell
by Bladestar123
Summary: Written in 7th grade-kept up for WHYTHEHELLNOT. DISCONTINUED.
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, that's right. Another one. This is post aizen, and pre-fullbring. In this, Ichigo has not lost his powers, and is living in soul society. Review!**

Sometimes life can be wonderful, and peaceful. Birds will sing to you, and flowers will shine. To me, those moments are wonderful This is _not_ one of those moments.

Let me tell you what I mean.

My name is Byakuya Kuchiki, lord of one of the 4 great noble houses. At least I am supposed to be. So why is there a half naked carrot top, and a rampaging moron currently wreaking havoc in my kitchen?

Lately soul society is not the utopia it once was. After the idiot currently going through my food storage saved soul society from Aiz- WAIT, WHY IS HE IN MY FOOD STORAGE.

Let me repeat before I attempt to forcibly de-man the idiot. My name is Byakuya Kuchiki, and this is my personal hell.

**This is pretty much an intro. The fun stuff starts next.**


	2. Who wants seconds on pasta?

I wandered through out Soul Society, wondering where the hell my comfort had gone. I noticed a small fire occurring near the 12 division. I gallantly walked towards it in full view of everyone to inspire courage. As soon as I found myself alone, I immediately reversed directions, and walked away. Mayuri is a little creepy, and I would really rather have nothing to do with him. I looked forward to relaxing at home. That is until, I discovered Matsumoto Rangiku holed up in my house with at least 15 other people including the captain of the 8th division, quite obviously stone drunk.

"What are you doing in my home?"

Rangiku held up Kurosaki.

"He invited us in!"

Later…

I disposed of Kurosaki in the nearest bush. I then proceeded to tie everyone else up, and toss them outside. I turned back in, to see Rangiku sitting in the exact same place.

"Didn't I just tie you up?"

"Yes~!"

"Why are you still here?"

"Yes~!"

"What is the concept of good and evil as discussed in numerous texts, as such in a manner that the epitome of righteousness reflects the true character of mankind?"

"Yes~!"

Kyouraku walked back in as I proceeded to smash my face into the nearest rock. He then pulled a barrel of alcohol out from under his hat. WTF? How the hell are these people escaping? Why are they coming back into my house?

_Later…_

Renji walked into my house along with a certain moron that I left under a bush, who was evidently unconscious. "Captain, has Rukia ever learned to cook?" I responded with some curiosity.

"Yes, I believe so."

"From who?"

"A girl called Orihime I believe."

"Oh, good. I just wanted to clarify that"

He then spit up what seemed to be a rubber chicken dipped in tar and garlic pepper, and collapsed in a pool of blood.

Ichigo reawakened at this moment, and proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. As soon as he was dome whimpering in a corner, he started crawling to me."R-Run!"

"Why?"

Some people from my division were screaming from outside. One crawled inside, and rasped "Save yourself captain, its too late for me. Go on without me!"

"If you insist. But from what?"

Rukia ran in holding a bucket.

I began shaking as I realized what Renji had spit up.

"Who wants seconds on pasta?"

"THAT'S _PASTA?_"


	3. Battleship

**Hello! Surprised to see how many people are checking out this story! Pretty cool!**

**Disclaimer: No. I don't.**

**Moving on…**

I strolled around the Seieritei, taking in the beauty of its white walls, the peacefulness and calm that came from the resolute strength of their soldiers, Mayuri cackling as he walked by, clutching a pot of Rukia's Miso soup like a lifeline…

Hold that thought.

I stopped and turned to see Mayuri cackling as he help up a spoonful to the sunlight. It was purple and steaming, even though he had thrown it out 3 _days _ago. Mayuri dripped a bit on the ground, and watched in fascination at it ate through the ground, and proceeded to go off like miniature fireworks. It then blew up in his face. I stifled a snicker, keeping my façade. Coolness was essential. Mayuri blinked, then grinned widely. He took out…a miniature hollow…from his pocket. He threw it into the pot he was holding (which for some reason was not affected by the concoction) and watched as the hollow turned vibrant (neon) blue, clutched its throat, emitted squeals of pain, then stood up on its two legs, doing a rough imitation of what appeared to be the Macarena. Or maybe it was dying and in hideous pain. The hollow then began bubbling, then expanded to the size of a balloon, then noisily deflated (in a rather rude manner) into the size of a gumball, and keeled over. MAyuri began laughing again. "Oh, this is excellent. I should test this. And I know the perfect specimen, that Kuchiki-taichou. I bet he hasn't even noticed some of the experimental drugs I slip into his tea to test the effects. Hahahahahaha! Yes…this is perfect…"

I blinked. That explained a lot. I felt angry, but also very, very scared.

Mayuri continued his noisy laughter, as I slowly crept away, hoping he wouldn't notice me. The minute I was out of his sight, I ran for it. Coolness be damned, that man scared the s *T out of me. I ran to my home while nobody was watching, and collapsed in exhaustion. He would have to have a talk with Rukia, concerning the disposal of hazardous and possibly radioactive materials. I looked up to see…the entire SWA looking at me. I narrowed my eyes, and stood up, catching a glimpse of a picture of me. Half naked.

I twitched. Violently.

"BYAKUSHI!" I swore mentally. The brat. I turned, and sidestepped her attempt to jump me. I looked around, until I saw Abarai skulking in the back corner looking guilty, holding a game of battleship. Aha. That explained the picture. Abarai had probably taken it without my knowledge at Rukias urging, because he lost a game to her. I stared him down, until he was a quivering mess on the carpet. He would suffer for this. "HEY NOODLE HEAD. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

I touched my kenseikan unconsciously. Then proceeded to draw Senbonzakura. "Chire…"

Three seconds later everyone was gone but the pink brat jumping on his now-smashed projector, and Abarai who was still whimpering in the corner. "Here you go Noodle Head. It's a necklace!"

I looked at it. It was made of flowers and hollow masks. "I am a male. I do not wear necklaces."

"Really?" She said, "Ken-chan says the reason why you come to these meetings is because you don't have a dic-"

I shoved Abarai's ponytail into her mouth. She chewed it a bit contemplatively, then ran off to show "Ken-chan" her new gift. I snickered quietly. That should keep Abarai busy for a few days while he recovered from any injuries zaraki gave him. I picked up Battleship. Meanwhile, he had a good idea of what to do with Mayuri…

- later that day-

I was calmly sipping tea, when a messenger arrived to tell me that:

- Abarai-fukutaichou squad was sick, due to an unknown malady. He was also turning a vivid shade of blue.

-Meanwhile, Kenpachi-taichou had somehow built 18 ships, and was busy blowing them up in what appeared to be a game of Battleship he was playing with an unknown man, who only communicated through a silver spirit phone that Zaraki-taichou had. The ships were on dry land, and were covered in Kido that rendered them invisible. It was unknown how he had placed them in the middle of the seireitei. The battleships were also strategically placed in the 12th division, so any misfire 'coincidentally' hit parts of the division, and blew it up. The seireitei was to be on the lookout for the mysterious man, as anyone who could convince Zaraki taichou to follow such a well-thought out plan was clearly formidable. Also, Kisuke Urahara had stamped his symbol onto every battleship, so it was clear who had made the ships, and was aiding the mysterious man.

The messenger left, presumably to pass on the message. As soon as he left, I allowed a brief smirk to grace my features, and raised a silver spirit phone to my ear. "Remind me to thank Urahara. Now, my turn. A-5"

"_Ya missed Noodle-Head!"_

I smirked again. "Pity"

BOOM

**I got inspiration from "Please stop eating the Hell Butterflies" by Mistress Nika. Read it, its very good.**

**Now, REVIEW!**


	4. Kick-start the war

**Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers and readers! Wow, I am seriously impressed. As a thank you, I am releasing this chapter! Keep reading!**

Soutaichou Yamamoto slammed his cane into the ground. "All Captains, face forward and pay attention! We are here to discuss the dubious actions of Zaraki and Kuchiki taichou(s)."

I inwardly groaned and rolled my eyes. Vicious old man. The gramps had intentionally waited a full week for me to stew in worry, before calling the meeting. If I had known that I had to wait a full week for discussing this, then I would have finished Mayuri off, instead of leaving the 12th division half-destroyed. I nodded inwardly. Note to self: never half-ass it. If you're gonna start blowing the 12 division to Hueco Mundo, finish them off next time. Mayuri and Soifon were glaring at him. I slightly smirked at them, just enough for them to get the point. That was the only decent thing that came out of stopping my Battleship game. See, what happened was that Soifon was the one to deliver the message telling me to stop the destruction. Naturally, being herself, she overdid it. She cut down 3 of my sakura trees, just so she could make a bonfire. Why a bonfire? So she could make a "fiery entrance", of course. She then proceeded to tell me to "Stop blowing the hell out of the labs, and dump the stupid ships in some ugly place no one cares about. So, naturally I and Zaraki dumped the (invisible) ships into Soifons "Koi Pond for Yoruichi-sama!" All of them. It was highly entertaining, watching her slam into the ships when she tried to get out of her house.

"Ise-fukutaichou, please read their actions." The old man grumbled.

"Yes sir!" Nanao seemed happy that she could actually sit in the meeting, instead of having to listen at the window. "Kuchiki taichou and Zaraki taichou built a number of human battleships, in the parody of the game brought to Soul Society by Abarai-fukutaichou. They were also rendered invisible by the aid of Urahara Kisuke, a former criminal, pardoned by the Gotei 13. They then dumped the ships in the 12h division, and proceeded to blow the place to bits on the pretext of playing against each other. They then dumped the ships into Soifon-taichous Koi pond, while no one was looking."

The old man raised one eyebrow, impressed. "Thank you, Ise-fukutaichou. Now, what should we do?"

Kyoraku raised one hand lazily. "Oi, Yama-jii"

Yamamoto looked at him. "What is it Shunsui?"

He scratched the back of his head. "I think we're blowing this all out of proportion. It was a healthy prank. I asked Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou, and apparently Mayuri's been drugging the man for a while. They were all harmless, but still a bad idea. In addition, Soifon blew up some of his trees. With that, plus the fact that no one likes Mayuri anyway," Mayuri noticeably twitched, and turned to glare at him, "I think we should that Kuchiki and Zaraki for doing us a favor and move on." I sighed, while whispers and snickers broke out. Kyoraku was right, but still, this was not a time to aggravate the Soutaichou. To my surprise, he raised his cane again, and slammed it. "Agreed, and motion passed. Mayuri-taichou, be careful in the future. Kuchiki-taichou and Zaraki-taichou, well done. We are a military power, and transgressions should certainly be paid back. Soifon and Mayuri certainly did cross the line. However, there is a line, and you would do well not to cross it." Translation: Nice job. I don't really give a damn what you do to Mayuri, just don't let me see it, or drag me into it and I'll pretend nothing happened. I smirked openly. "Captains, dismissed!" Soifon and Mayuri glared at me in anger, and strode away.

-Next morning-

I woke up, stretching peacefully. Ahh, vengeance was sweet. I slowly opened my eyes, to see something horrible. I blinked rapidly, hoping to dispel the illusion, but it stayed. I ran outside, and more of it greeted my eyes. I was horrified, and began to shiver in fear. Mayuri had gone too far. This was ridiculous. He, with Soifon to help him probably, had painted my entire division, and my beautiful mansion…neon ORANGE! FREAKING ORANGE! God knows I see enough of it with the idiot Kozo running around with my sister! He even painted my Sakura trees! Goddamnit, this crossed the line. No one liked him anyway, so no one cared what happened to him. And Soifon was just annoying. But this, this was a travesty.

My eyes narrowed. Oh, it was _on_ bitch.

**HAHA! This is where the story really begins, you could say. Somehow, it turned into a prank war. *shrugs* don't care. Seems more fun like this. If anyone has any ideas, send me them. All ideas are welcome and appreciated! Sorry for the short chapter, they will get longer from now on, I promise. But, I cant promise releases this fast. This is a special thing, because I am so happy.**


	5. Burn it, Just Burn it!

_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!**_

_**HE'S DEAAAAAD?! **_***sob* Damn it. Looks like this really is the last arc, seeing as most of the best characters are **_**dead**_**. Goddamnit. Thank you to all the wonderful people who reviewed this small story of mine. Special thanks to **Scaehime-KingofKing's Daughter **for the idea, which I will certainly be using. Too entertaining to pass up. I understand, however, that making these ideas is rather difficult, so thank you to everyone who read this anyway. WARNING-there will be swearing, to all those offended by the use of vulgar and profane language, I apologize. And **_**here. We. Go.**_

Mother_fucker._ That clown-face was dead. Why, you ask. Because, I realized that he had painted the mansion. I went to the bathroom to wash my eyes, and discovered he _dyed my fricking hair. __Orange._Now I look like I'm related to that damn _kozo_. Bastard. He is _so_ gonna pay for that. Fortunately, I had an excellent idea, courtesy of Mr. Seaweed.

With my granite hard-ass mask in place, I stepped out. I say stepped, because I only took one. Then I ran for it, praying that no one would see me and my new hairdo. My destination was not quite the 12 division, but someplace a little closer. I would need help for this…

"_ICHIGO! I SEE YOU CAME TO FI- _hold the damn phone. You're not Ichigo. Hey pansy-boy, why do you look like him. Trying to be more manly, and hoping his talent'll rub off?" Zaraki -the bastard- roared with laughter at his own joke, while I stood looking up at him, trying to hold back my twitches. I, tragically, failed. Too impatient to wait, I flash-stepped through the 11th division to Zaraki's quarters, with him following behind me at a dead run, still laughing like a lunatic. I slammed open his door, and showed him the inside. Which looked like several flowers had been sick in it. Then the sick(s) had reproduced and produced quintuplets each. It was pink, from _my_ sakura. And reeked like an old flower boutique that had dead flowers on display. There were several hundred trees and plants, and all of them had been turned ot mulch then spread out over the whole room, then painted pink and sprinkled by my sakura. I felt my face twist into disgust. The plants that he had rotted into mulch inside Zaraki's office had been several of his best Sakura trees, and his favorite plants from his garden. My face began darkening into open anger at the fact that he had cut down my precious plants for something so mundane. I inwardly panicked trying to freeze myself again. '_Keep it cool Byakuya. You're still a hard-ass, even if you like flowers…and look like a girl…goddamnit, I'm gonna kill that clown. But I gotta look good doing it, so PUT ON THE GRANITE MASK.' _Outwardly I calmed down, even though I was seething. I turned to look at Zaraki, and saw something bad. For Mayuri that is; but wonderful for my plans. Because he was _pissed_. This was excellent. Now he would help me. "Oy, Byakuya."

I stiffened at the lack of respect, but remained calm, and attentive. '_Hell yes, I am so freaking __awesome__'. _"I don't really mind helping you trash those weak-ass nerds in the 12th division, but this time that fucking clown is _gonna die. Painfully."_ I smirked - inwardly, mind you- and began reformatting my plans to include Zaraki. Yes, I could work with this. Perhaps even better. But first, they needed two things. Rukia, and candy. Lots and lots of candy.

Operation: Killer Bunny (courtesy of Rukia) began. It started with Rukia. I had her draw Chappy repeatedly on several hundred sheets of paper, for the pretext of 'improving'. Didn't really help, but I wasn't hoping for much. At least she enjoyed it. She finished all 1000 sheets in 3 _hours._ Maybe, she should take tips from Mr. Seaweed, a perfect mascot. But, there was no time for that right now, so I let go of the idea with regret.

Back to the mission. Armed with thousands of paper Chappy's, I met up with Zaraki at his division. For the first time ever, there weren't sweaty barbarians pollution my airspace (There was only one now, but I wasn't going to tell him that. I still needed his help) so I freely moved through, though I took care to move stealthily, with the techniques I leaned form that *shudder (inwardly)* demon cat. What a bother, I hated using her techniques, but I had no choice. I was right next to the 12th division, and this had to happen quietly. I snuck into the captain's room, where Zaraki was waiting with several bags of candy he had taken care to hide from Yachiru. He had taken the bags from Yachiru's private stash, and the sacks were filled with her favorites. Nodding to each other, with Zaraki being uncharacteristically sober and serious for once, we moved closer to the 12th division.

Mayuri had no doubt booby-trapped the whole entrance and all the walls. So, we would be making our own entrance. With a whispered command, Senbonzakura carved an opening in the wall. Thanks to my (impeccable) reiatsu control, not a whisper of my power escaped to warn the stupid clown of our plans. I hopped through the hole, with Zaraki gingerly clomping behind me. I ran through, and made another hole in the wall of the Seireitei Reasearch and Development Institute. I ignored the cameras, in fact I was counting on them to record us. Zaraki rushed past me, a vindictive grin on his face. He tossed the bags of candy over all the rooms, coating them in sugary confectionary. I smiled slowly, and began pasting the drawings over the whole area. We worked for some time, until we stepped back to see our handiwork. The places were covered in Chappy drawn in the most vivid, and visually stimulating colors possible. It helped that Mayuri _detested_ Chappy, claiming that it robbed him of his brain cells. I had pasted the pictures us with a permanent adhesive Mayuri himself had developed, and that he still had not found a dissolvent for. Which meant that it would stay up for a _while_.

Zaraki had thrown so much candy around, that it wasn't even possible to see the floor. He had also gathered all the chamicals labeled 'Hazard' or something similar on a table. As I looked at the chamicals, a row of cubbies in the corner caught my attention. I looked over, and saw that each cubby had the name of a Taichou or fukutaichou. Some held papers, other sticky notes or chemicals. Mine held only a single beaker, with a purple substance inside. I smirked, and blindly placed it into a different cubby. That should prove interesting. Back at the table, Zaraki was finishing up. He gathered all the chemicals into one area, and tied the numerous flasks and beakers together with some slow-burning string. He trailed the string back to the entrance we had made, and hopped through it. I followed him out. We both kept running out of the next entrance, out to the 11th division again.

At the entrance, I turned, took careful aim, and shot a Byakurai at the string, and was rewarded by the telltale flicker of the string burning. I laughed inside, letting only a small smile show outside. We had: a slow burning fuse, a group of highly volatile chemicals tied together by said fuse, candy, and convenient entrances for Yachiru to go through to wreak havoc on the 12th division when she smelled the burning sugar of her favorite candies. It helped that I had sprinkled gunpowder on the chappy drawings. Not enough to explode, but enough to cause damage if he decided to chemically remove them, or if the fire spread. Zaraki was not entirely happy with the plan, as he was hurting Yachiru's feelings, but he agreed that it was for the greater good for Mayuri to suffer as much as possible. There were few things scarier than hell, but angry Yachiru was one of them.

- Later that day-

"Kuchiki-taichou!"

I put my teacup down, almost bursting out with glee when I saw the messenger. "Yes?"

"The Soutaichou has ordered me to pass on a list of messages to you!"

"Proceed."

"The 12th division has been burnt down to rubble" '_again' _"And Yachiru-fukutaichou is dancing on the ashes. Mayuri-fukutaichou had a nervous breakdown, screaming about 'rabbits from hell' and crying over the remains of his division. He impaled a picture of an ugly rabbit with his released zanpakutou when he saw the fire. It blew up in his face."

I allowed an ugly smirk to grace my features.

"…missing."

I perked up. "What?"

"The Soutaichou wants to know if anyone has seen Hitsugaya-taichou. When Matsumoto-fukutaichou went into his office, all she found was a white rabbit holding Hyourinmaru, and suspicious purple stains on his desk."

I mulled over this, and hardened my face once again. Excellent. Possibly a future ally. At least he knew where the beaker went. "….Not a clue. May I suggest searching the remains of the Research institute?"

"Duly noted."

_**Man, **_**that was hard. Longest chapter yet, and hopefully won't be the last. Send me ideas, all of them are appreciated! Its **_**hard**_** coming up with these things. More on Hitsu-chin and Byakushi's orange hair next chappie. Reviews are welcomed. Flames are welcomed by marshmallows. **


	6. Mirror mirror on the wall

***choked sob* Thank you all my wonderful reviewers. And yes, you may all have marshmallows anyway. Special thank you to **Yeast **and **Bookgal7 **for the ideas that I will be using this chapter. BTW, the more ideas I get, the longer the chapters get (Shameless endorsement here). People are beginning to read this story of mine, and it truly does make me happy. Believe me, there is no ego trip quite as satisfying as seeing reviews for something you wrote. Pretty good ideas coming in too. Without further ado…**_**Here. We. Go.**_

_Deathbunny reprise_

I yawned and stretched, somehow managing to make it seem noble. Yes. I _am_ that awesome. Something shining met my eye, and I gritted my teeth. Mayuri. Somehow, he had entered my compound again. I really must see about defenses. Most likely, he put Soifon up to this; she really wasn't happy that I managed to blow up the 12th division again. I relaxed, however, when I saw that they were mirrors. Ha. What the hell did he think _that _would do. As if I was scared of my reflection.

Wait. Hold on a second…

-Flashback, two days ago before Byakuya blew up the 12th division.

Pan out to Mayuri laughing like a lunatic. His eyes were facing different directions, and he looked like he was choking on a particularly foul hairball. I.e. he was just about par for course.

"_Nemu! I've done it! No, come here, stupid girl. I managed to synthesize the Kurosaki brats genome into a few drops of liquid! Excellent. I've already called Soifon, and she will slip this into his teacup. It firsts manifests as orange hair, so hopefully the moron will believe that I dyed it…"_

"_Mayuri-sama, what does that mean? What will it do?"_

"_It means, stupid girl, that the proud Byakuya Kuchiki will…."_

_-_ End flashback –

I looked into one of the mirrors, and saw Ichigo Kurosaki looking back at me.

Oh.

My.

God.

_**He turned me into that freaking Kozo!**_

I now looked like Ichigo Kurosaki.

- 1st division-

BOOM

"Taichou, what happened?!"

"I do believe that Kuchiki-taichou just blew the roof off his home." Yamamoto chuckled, while stroking his beard. "As long as it doesn't get too out of hand, this should provide days of entertainment."

"Taichou! Blowing up the 12th division isn't 'getting out of hand' ?!"

"Nah, no one likes Kurotsuchi-taichou anyway."

- Kuchiki manor-

With the remains of my roof falling around me, I began to plot. I would need help for this. I knew who, too. Perhaps a recently de-bunnyfied Hitsugaya-taichou would like to help. I chuckled darkly. Yes. The clown would die.

Suddenly my head snapped up. I started snickering, then burst into full blown laughter. Yes, I dropped the mask. Why, you ask? Because I now looked like that stupid Kozo. I now looked like Ichigo Kurosaki. More importantly, I did not look like _myself_. In other words, I could do _whatever the hell I wanted._ And _no one would blame me_. Why would they? All they would see would be Ichigo Kurosaki going apeshit on the 12th division. Nothing new there. All I had to do was broadcast my reiatsu like a drunken monkey if anyone saw me, and they wouldn't be able to tell the difference. After all, only a few people were friendly enough with Kurosaki to be able to recognize his personal reiatsu. And most of them were on my side.

I laughed harder. Yes, this was perfect. The stupid clown had really done it now. By messing with me, he gave me the perfect way to take revenge. Wait till Hitsugaya-taichou heard about this.

-10th division-

Hitsugaya-taichou looked up when I knocked and entered, his face hardening into a mask of grim expectation. "Kurosaki, what do you want? I'm busy." He frowned as a thought hit him. "What happened to your reiatsu? Not even you could control it this fast."

I internally snickered. Excellent. "That's because the kozo can't, nor will he be able to for the rest of his existence. God save us all when he finally comes to the Seireitei permanently…"

Hitsugaya's eyes widened, then narrowed in contemplation and understanding. "Kuchiki-taichou, I'm assuming. Which means Mayuri is behind this, and you want me help getting back at him." He smiled. IT was not a pleasant one. Excellent. "I would love to help you."

I looked at him in mild surprise. "Just like that? No conditions or expectations? Right off the bat, without me explaining my plans."

"I want that clown DEAD. He turned me into a goddamn bunny!" I wisely decided not to mention that the potion was meant for me, and that it was my fault he turned into a carrot-craving rodent. "But we need more people."

I looked at him pensively, and Hitsugaya shuddered to see what looked like Ichigo Kurosaki plotting. Dear god, what a horrid thought. "I know just the ones…."

-Later, after rehashing the plan several times-

"Zaraki?! Are you nuts?! You want that barbaric lunatic involved in this? He'll destroy the plan just by breathing 10 feet away from it!"

I looked at him. "Zaraki is my accomplice in every plan I have used against Mayuri so far. He hates the clown almost as much as I do. He is necessary."

"Why?!"

"So if we get caught, I can pin the blame on him and run away. Right now, I look like Kurosaki. All I have to say is that Zaraki threatened me, and I get off. You can say I roped you into it."

"Ah. Good plan."

"Yes, I know. In addition, any mischief I cause pales next to the sheer amount of havoc and property damage follows in his wake. Makes me not look so bad. That, and every good plan requires a certain amount of dumb muscle. This is a win-win situation for me, and I win 3 times."

"Wow. I'm impressed. By the way, have you noticed that you're speaking less like yourself, and more like Kurosaki?"

I grimaced, and rubbed my brow. "Yes. Shut up. Probably something to do with the transformation. OR the fact that anything I say or do gets pinned on the Kozo. Now, we need to get Hisagi-fukutaichou roped in as well."

Hitsugaya smirked. "I know how. MATSUMOTO, GET IN HERE!"

- Later -

Hisagi Shuuhei was walking slowly back to the 9th division, following a wildly unsuccessful attempt to improve the standing of the Seireitei communication. Sighing in melancholy he trudged on…until a noise made him look up. What he saw, *ahem* _bouncing_ towards him was god's gift to mankind. Also named Matsumoto Rangiku. Shuuhei, quite unashamedly, drooled all over his hakama. "Shuuhei-kun! Hi~iii!"

He drooled some more.

"Taichou wanted to know if you wanted to work on a project with the 10 division! We're working _together_~."

"Mmmhhm, yeah…sure…whatever you say…"

"Great! I'll tell taichou you agreed to his plan!"

"Wait, what?"

"Do~nt worry about it! Come on!"

Matsumoto promptly moved closer to Shuuhei, and hugged him. '_Taichou must really be desperate. I wonder what he's up to…Maybe he's trying to get a girlfriend, and want Shuuhei's help! Awww, he's so cuuute! He needs a hug!_'

Completely wrong, of course, but that's what Hitsugaya was counting on. For this to work, he needed Matsumoto to convince Shuuhei to follow whatever he said. If that involved bribing the hapless lieutenant with the presence of his lazy fukutaichou, then so be it. At least she would be good for _something_. Hitsugaya watched Matsumoto skip off to the 10th division.

Shuuhei followed the breasts.

Hitsugaya shuddered. What a pervert.

- 11th division –

My job was remarkably easier. When I returned home, I found the idiot Kozo (coincidentally) trying to proposition my sister (probably not, but for my use of him today, it would be safer for me to assume that) so I whipped out Senbonzakura, and proceeded to beat the bloody stuffing out of the idiot in under a second, before he could see my face (or indeed his own) looking at him. Then I shunpo'ed in, while Rukia was still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, and pulled the idiots unconscious body away. I hauled him over to the 11th division, right up to the gates. Then I dropped the Kozo to the ground and dragged him to the 6th division office, leaving a bloody trail on the ground. Then I shunpo'ed back to the 11th division, rightin time to see Zaraki find the trail of blood. He bent down to smell it, and grinned horribly, probably imagining the idiot Kozo bloody. Then he spotted the trail of blood. His grin widened.

Zaraki followed the blood.

I quivered in a fashion that an unkind person (and indeed, a rather stupid one) would call a shiver. What a lunatic.

**Man, this one took a while to do. I'm cutting it off here, cause this ones getting really complicated. Heh. Enjoy the cliffhanger…. I will be modifying the ideas given to me to suit the situations. Thank you. Btw, have any of you gone back to read your past stories? I started this in middle school. I am now in high school. When I went back to read my old stuff, I almost cried in embarrassment. Very shocking. Try it sometime, seriously.**


	7. Oops?

**Sorry this is slow…I am very sorry…**

**Sort of…**

**Lol**

**This is a continuation of the previous chapter, so see the p!revious chappie for my inspiration-gatherers. Thank you everyone who reviewed!**

**Lets keep it short, so…**

_**HERE. WE. GO.**_

Did you know that computers do not like magnets? Especially high strength ones? How about ones that are on fire? How about that they (and the rest of the 12th division) really don't like being bombarded by several of the aforementioned magnets that were launched by catapults from another division conveniently situated next to theirs?

I did. Conveniently enough.

And somehow Zaraki did too… Hmmm, something to check up on. Somehow, Zaraki suddenly developing a brain doesn't exactly sit right with me… The fact that he was randomly going into spasms, and that his eyes were now compounded like a fly's probably motivated me. Not like the 11th division noticed the difference. Yumichika thought it was a fashion statement, and told him to use less eyeliner. When Ikkaku heard that it provided a broader range of vision (**may or may not be true…**) he was sent to the 4th division for urgent mental rehabilitation. He was discovered baiting Yachiru with 'une tarte au pomme a la flambé', with 2 bags of marbles glued over his eyes. In the 4th, they discovered a smoldering apple poptart shoved into his ear canal and 600 marbles in his nostrils. But Madarame's mental issues were not the sort of things a captain need be concerned about. No, I was worried about something much simpler…

"Pull idiots. We need to get these flaming magnets over that wall. Those catapults won't launch themselves."

Hitsugaya groaned. "How the hell did you light magnets on fire?"

I shrugged, and deigned to answer. Nobility needs no reason to blow the shit out of a mad scientist.

Zaraki walked over…sneering? "Worthless human protozoan. Do you honestly believe that this weak and paltry scheme for revenge will honestly succeed? PAH. Try using those brain cells."

My eye twitched. This was coming from a moron of Zaraki's caliber? Something wasn't right here… Lets make a list now shall we?

Compound eyes

Random seizures

Sneer

Nasally voice

Told me to use brain cells

Used a nine-letter word

Currently ordering 'hidden' 12th division members armed with needles the size of hamsters to hide in a bush

Laughing at Hisagi's tattoo

Staring at me while brandishing a scalpel

Has 'Mayuri rocks' tattooed on his chest

Has what appears to be a telephone cord stretching from the back of his head to a massive transmitter clearly visible over the wall separating the 11th and 12th division

Discussing the benefits of facial makeup and excessive eyeliner with Yumichika

Tied Yachiru to a fishing pole, and using her to bait pirahna's…wait, that's okay.

Eating Yachirus candy

Staring at the 11th division kitchen while polishing a bottle of 'X-TRA STRENGTH RAT POISON – FOR WHEN THAT FUCKING RODENT JUST WON'T KEEL OVER. _NEW- ALSO AVAILABLE FOR - ANNOYING BOYS THAT JUST WON'T LEAVE YOUR DAUGHTER ALONE!__Warning- only use when bad cheese, traps, and shotguns for the ambitious hillbilly in both cases aren't successful.__"_

Chanting 'Ex-parrot' from Monty Python while staring at Yachiru – no, that's okay too. We encourage that sort of thing around here.

And finally, Nemu keeps appearing next to him, asking if the mental hijacking 'Mayuri-sama is using to fool those stupid barabarians' is still online and active.

Yeah.

My '_**guess**_', is that Mayuri has something to do with this.

Meh.

Who cares.

I wonder if he realizes that we're still firing flaming magnets at his division. Probably not.

Too bad, so sad. How the brilliant fall.

"FIRE!"

"ARUH!"

…?

"ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH ARUH!"

I gritted my teeth. Damn.

While I had been distracted by the 'obvious' signs of Zaraki's possession by Mayuri, I had forgotten that, well, Zaraki was possessed? What did this mean? It meant that Zaraki could do shit for Mayuri, without Mayuri actually doing anything. And apparently, my little vengeance squad really was as dumb as Mayuri thought, because _ no one noticed the fact that Zaraki had 'Mayuri rocks' tattoed on his chest._ Did it have to be a neon flashing sign that said "IM POSSESSED BY A LUNATIC. WATCH ME MOVE BITCHES" that tipped them off that something was wrong? How the hell did he make Zaraki replace the flaming magnets with 30 seals? How did he even get seals into Soul Society? _Why the hell did I still look like Ichigo Kurosaki?_

Now my entire division was infested by living(?) seals that were spray-painted –you guessed it- orange.

Shit.

"Damn you Mayuri." I spat out with gritted teeth.

'Zaraki' smirked and laughed. "TAKE THAT NOBLE TRASH! EVEN THE FACT THAT I'M POSSESSING SCUM DOES NOT DETRACT FROM THIS MOMENT! Ah, yes, I took the liberty to genetically modify and mentally program the seals in numerous ways. One of which is to spontaneously empty their bowels on sight of you or a cherry tree. Have fun figuring out the rest!"

I saw red. "And _what_, precisely did you do with the ever-burning magnets?"

'Zaraki' leered. "Why, I stored them in my division for study, of course! I'm curios how you lit magnets on fire."

I blinked.

Ah.

I quickly turned, so that he couldn't see my smirk. Keep it cool. Looks like the plan succeeded after all.

- Later that night in the 12th division-

"FUCK! ALL MY COMPUTERS ARE DEAD! AKON! GET THE BACK-UPS!"

"MAYURI-SAMA, ALL THE BACKUPS ARE ON FIRE!"

"_WHY?!"_

"SIR, YOU TOLD ME TO DUMP THE MAGNETS IN STORAGE!"

"SHIT! DAMN YOU KUCHIKI!"

-Kuchiki manor-

I sipped tea while watching the show. Apparently, as a result of the ever-burning magnets reacting with some of Mayuri's experiments, there appeared to be a minor aurora floating over the 12th division. More entertaining was the fact that it conducted sound waves and acted as captions, of a sort. Essentially, anything shouted, screamed, whispered, or generally vocalized in the 12th division appeared in the sky above them. I assumed that they were unaware of this, as it was clearly detailing what Mayuri was planning on doing to me next.

"Servant!"

"Sir?"

"Please liberally spread rat poison across the grounds, and electrify the walls. I imagine that there will be a small herd of rodents attempting to get in."

"Y-yes sir. Pardon me, but what makes you say that?"

"The heavens."

He took a quick look out the window and smirked. "Indeed sir. Perhaps, I may suggest that a small moat filled with snakes be placed around the manor?"

"Excellent. See it done."

"Yes sir."

I smiled again. Bring it on.

= SCREW YOU KUCHIKI! WAIT TILL MY STEEL-JAW RATS GET TO YO-OW OW SHIT FUCK AKON, GET THESE RODENTS AWAY FROM ME! THEY WONT LET GO! =

I look forward to it.

**Pardon my rusty French. Sorry, all Hitsugaya fans. I promise he'll have a bigger part next time.**


	8. Mayuri begins his revenge

**THIS STORY BROKE 2000 VIEWS! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!**

**This is a really big deal to me, even though it may not seem like much. Thank you to all my viewers and reviewers! Please, send me your ideas! They are all accepted! Mostly…**

**Anyway. Sorry about the late update. I am a high schooler and that means tests and finals. Forgive me.**

I sighed. This was getting boring. This wasn't a pranking war anymore. It was a pranking curbstomp on Mayuri's face. Damn.

I guess, I'm just too awesome for someone like Mayuri to keep up with.

Which was fairly obvious, but it brought me to my next point.

This was easy. _Too_ easy. What the hell was that fucking clown up to now…?

While I sat pondering, Mayuri moved. Looking back on it, he had probably planned this for days, because it presumably went off without a hitch. What was guaranteed was that he had enlisted Soifons help. She was next. Anyway, while I sat pondering the mysteries of the universe, the existence of god, supreme humanitarian goodwill, and myself, a trickle of liquid seeped into the roof. This trickle slipped languidly across the roof, slowly making its fluid way towards a crack in the ceiling. It slipped down the crack, shimmering in the sunlight, and dripped directly onto my head. Annoyed, I slapped my hand to my head (ouch) and brought it back covered in…sake.

First I thought it was Shunsui or Matsumoto, then realized that was impossible for two reasons

1- I booby trapped the roof

2- Those two would sooner die than spill sake

That meant…Mayuri. Damn. What, did he think a few drops of Sake would scare me off? He would need at least a –hold on, this was familiar. Didn't I do through a similar situation when he turned me into Kurosaki? (The transformation had eventually worn off – god bless). No, I wouldn't underestimate Mayuri again…he was far too dangerous. Another drop fell on my head, and I looked up annoyed, then jerked back in shock. Little beads of Sake were pouring out of a crack in the ceiling. I looked around me, and realized that my surroundings were beginning to flood. Huh. When did that happen? I sniffed, then covered my nose as the acrid tang of alcohol burned my sinuses. What the hell? Where had he gotten this much sake?

- 8th division –

"NANAO-CHAN! THE SAKE! ITS-ITS GOOONE!"

"Perfect. Now you can't get drunk. Now shut up and do your paperwork."

"Nanaaaooo-chaaan~! So crue~l!"

"I'll show _you_ cruel."

"Mah, Nanao-chan, why do you have a book titled _'Guide to Workplace Passive Defense'?_"

"H-how-?"

"Well…you hit me with it so hard that the titles imprinted in my forehead, so…"

"Maybe I haven't hit you hard enough…"

- 10th division –

"Tai~chou! Wheres the sake?"

"I don't know. And _why are you searching for the alcohol in my desk?!_"

"Taichou! So cruel! Ah, I can't work while I'm sober."

"Matsumoto, get over here and do the damn paperwork."

"Mou. I'm gonna go see Shuuhei. Maybe he has some…"

"Matsumoto…get over here."

"Awww, that's so cuuute taichou! Don't worry! I won't leave for very long! Don't be lonely without me! By~e!"

"MATSUMOTOOOOO!"

-Kuchiki Manor –

Figures.

He got revenge on the 10th division for helping me, got to annoy Shunsui, whom he detested. And he got to dump all the Sake on me. This one was remarkable well thought out –_for a clown_. How much sake did he get anywa- PLOOOOSH

My house instantly flooded with what seemed like enough Sake to float the Manor on. I crawled out of the viscous alcohol back onto my roof like a drowned ra- like a wet nobleman. _Elegantly_. I stress elegantly. I am the epitome of elegance. I _extrude _nobility like-

"Hahaha! Noodle head, you look like that rat Kenny drowned in Baldy's alcohol once!"

Damn brat. Leave, damn it. She saw the expression on my face, and ran away laughing like a loon. I gritted my teeth until it felt like they would snap in my mouth. Suddenly, I whipped my head around, as a flash of black and gold flickered for a second in the corner of my eye.

Wait. Of course.

It was clear that Mayuri wasn't the one to actually pour the sake in the manor. He would never do that. Instead he had Soifon do it. Since it was her, she had probably taken the sake without anyone noticing. That meant…that every drunk in the city would be stampeding my manor in the course of a few seconds. They were starving Hyenas (an oddly appropriate metaphor, given how much time they spent laughing at other people) and this was an all-you-can-eat buffet of fresh roadkill. Wait…that came out wrong. Ah, whatever. I didn't really care about that. What I _did_ care about was the fact that Shunsui had somehow entered the mansion without me noticing, and was doing the backstroke around my position in the roof. Looking closer, he had a straw in his mouth, that was dipped into the sake he was swimming in.

Cocky bastard.

Then it happened.

Beneath the sake, a dark shape appeared.

It was huge, and left a massive trail behind it.

It moved frighteningly quickly, and I was barely able to see it.

The shadow receded, then grew extremely fast.

It breached the surface of the alcohol, and out emerged….the Captain-Commander.

For some reason, he was dressed only in skin-tight neon green speedos.

All this I noticed, as I crouched down, and proceeded to shove my head under the sake, hoping the alcohol would scorch my retinas.

He clambered nimbly to the surface as I stared at him with burning eyes. Trust me, I was screaming in pain in my head (though, unfortunately, I could still see), but that sort of thing is bad for the image.

As he walked past, he put a hand on my shoulder. "This is amazing Byakuya-taichou. Everyone needed this vacation. However, you overdid it, so I'm slashing your pay for 6 months. I really must thank Mayuri-taichou for inviting me though…"

I twitched violently. Something that seems to be happening very often these days. Maybe I should get that checked.

Stupid clown. Is that the best you got? A sake pool? Pathetic.

Bring it on.

**I got the passive defense thing from 'Please don't eat the Hell Butterflies'**

**Someone teach me how to add page breaks! I dunno how! **

**Send ideas people…Cant update uptil you do….Yeah. That's all. Later~!**


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